The mind has a tendency to wander… more like go for long walks… maybe the occasional hiking holiday in the Alps…even a cross-continental trek. These are usually followed by a sharp thud and asking yourself “wait, where was I for the past however-many minutes?”

The mind cannot live in the present moment, so it takes it upon itself to distract you as best as it can. It does this by taking you to the past, the future, into fantasy, stress or fear. It does this even during times you were greatly looking forward to!

A recent study carried out at Ohio State University found that men think about sex an average of 34.8 times a day and women 18.6. Considering how much people tend to think about sex, you’d imagine that when they are finally actually in the amorous act, they would be so happy they’d think of nothing else! Sadly, the monkey mind does not work that way.

The Gift of Now

So what stops people from being present when they’re making love?

Some studies have shown that the same mundane thoughts that distract us throughout the rest of the day can also hold sway during lovemaking, for both men and women. This is particularly the case if we are stressed or worried about something; money, work, family. Stress is one of the biggest modern threats to our overall welfare; it is linked to many diseases, negatively affects happiness levels, and it is a huge turn-off.

Here are some things you can do to relieve stress, especially before the amorous act. Rituals relieve stress, soothe and are highly satisfying; some of the reasons why they’ve been part of the human experience for millennia. Try an extensive bathing ritual before love making to refresh and relax the body. Moisturise afterwards, not neglecting erogenous zones; self-massage (especially breast massage for women) can be very soothing and awakens erotic energy and self-confidence. Couples yoga or spinal breathing (sat back to back) both relaxes and connects. If you are short on time, perform a Savasana (corpse pose) on a mat/blanket on the floor and perform a 5-10 minute systematic relaxation of all parts of the body; left to right, top to bottom. This is a highly effective way of refreshing body and mind.

Polar (Mind) Problems

French Sexologist Marie Geonet concluded in her recent study that negative thinking severely impacts women with sexual dysfunctions; distracting them from the amorous fusion, diminishing arousal and producing anxiety or guilt.

One Portuguese study also linked men’s sexual dysfunction to their thought patterns.

For women these distracting thoughts were most commonly around concern over appearance or how they are perceived. For men they were concerns around sexual performance.

The symptoms of these disturbances can be cured using techniques like positive self-affirmations (in the case of women) and practices for amorous erotic continence or improving the foreplay technique (in the case of men).

The root of such issues can, arguably, be addressed more simply. Transfiguration can prevent these issues from occurring as it puts us in resonance with the truth at the core of our being. It allows us to see ourselves and our lover with the eyes of the heart; thus Eros is sure to appear.

Sensory Perceptions

Eros is a subtle, sublime energy with an ascending trend, characterised by aspiration, offering and pure love. We can channel this energy through our bodies and into the body of our partner using intention. In order to channel this energy through our beings we need to be fully present and to have our minds as empty as possible.

As we begin to dissociate from these thoughts, they are external to us and that we have the power to ignore them, we can become more fixed in the present moment.

Some of the greatest tools for bringing our awareness into the present moment are the marvellous 5 senses our bodies were endowed with.

Follow these simple exercises for remaining in the present moment when engaging in erotic games with your beloved, thus being more open to channel the energy of pure Eros for them.

Touch

The sense of touch is directly connected with the heart and creates great intimacy. We find that, through being fully present in mutual touch, the roles of giver and receiver can blur. When we empathise with the pleasure our partner is feeling as we caress their skin in different ways, we can begin to experience this sensation ourselves.

Focus on touching, caressing, massaging your beloved’s body for 45 minutes; using different styles of touch. Begin with soft, light caresses, use a feather or trace their skin delicately with your fingernails. In every moment be aware of what you are doing, monitor your lover’s response, and consciously channel the energy of pure love through your fingers. Avoid the genital area until the final 10 minutes. This will heighten sensation and take us away from the goal-oriented and self-seeking sexuality many of us are accustomed to.

Similar techniques have been promoted by Sexologists, such as Sensate Focus (Masters and Johnson), a scientific approach to ancient Tantric practices.
Avoid commentary, judgement or other internal dialogues as these take us away from the experience and prevent us from reaching high states in lovemaking.

Taste

Tasting our partner’s bodies is also a great way to focus; the many nerve endings around the mouth cause great sensitivity for the giver as well as the receiver, and the production of hormones in the saliva leads to greater arousal, bonding and happiness. All of which will bring us joyfully into the present moment. As you taste and kiss you beloved perceive your lips asa channel that imprints the energy of pure, loving Eros into their being through their skin.

Try using the sense of taste in your foreplay using fruits, honey or other delicious resources. Blindfold your partner and ask them to focus fully on the taste, texture and sensation of the food as you feed it to them. Then place it on a part of your body and ask them to guess where they are feeding you from. For added focus encourage them to describe this sensory experience to you.

Sound

Be absorbed by every little sound produced in love making; each sigh, breath, the sound your lips make as you kiss passionately, the symphony of skin sliding together. Often our numb and over-stimulated minds miss details entirely, but here is where the unique beauty of each erotic experience lies. Do not judge, compare or go off into another fantasy, but really enjoy each tiny sound as being unique to your beloved and to this moment. Feel how marvellous this erotic experience is! It will never happen, in the same way, again.

Sight

The visual sense is also very important because the eye perceives in semi-darkness too, often even with more profound echoes in the human being – the colours, the forms, the clothes, the brightness and the reflection of the bodies, of the hair or of the ornaments.

Often during lovemaking the face becomes brighter and more luminous, as the ecstatic fulfilment seems to shine from the inside out.
While we are watching, we let the images come to our eyes and we spontaneously abandon ourselves in perceiving all that is in our visual field, without identifying or categorising. Our eye can be fixed anywhere it wants to.

Blur your vision around your lover, transfiguring him/her as the divine creature they are. Don’t allow the mind to judge but simply be filled with wonder, that you are here with this beautiful being engaging in an act of love togeher. This state of wonder helps us to be present in every moment and is a characteristic of the pure Eros.

The sense of smell is one of the most arousing; it is of course important to come to any love making ritual clean and smelling good. We should also purify the room using sage, palo Santo or incense, after which we can use an oil burner or diffuser with essential oils.

We can adorn our bodies with perfumes or essential oils; especially on pulse points as the smell will intensify with heat. Musk, amber and patchouli are some of the most arousing fragrances. Women, when aroused, can mix some drops of musk with their own lubricating liquids (kalas) and dab behind the ears, this will make them irresistible to their lover.

But how do I know if it’s Eros?

Eros is very different from sexual desire; it’s felt as an aspiration; uplifting, sublime. You’ll feel your attention is simultaneously at all levels of your being, whereas in sexuality it will be primarily at the level of the genitals. Eros naturally orients your energy from the heart chakra upwards and encourages you to focus on these levels of your lover’s being also.

It is markedly slower than a sexual encounter and each caress is felt more fully. When Eros is present vigorous movements become redundant; softness and stillness are necessary in order to fully experience all the subtle sensations in your body. During an Erotic experience you will feel more interiorised and can experience complex phenomena internally.

After an Erotic experience you are left with a sense of being complete, satisfied, connected. You will feel energised and even euphoric.

If the experience was sexual, on the other hand, you may feel tired, lazy or needy. You may feel that you have ‘achieved’ something, but this this is temporary and the effects will, sooner or later, fade and then disappear. You may feel judgemental, dissatisfied or thirsty for more, attached to your partner and their role in your life; tempted to require or demand something more of him/her.

End in Awareness

These amorous games should always be followed by an exercise in awareness; stop, sit in a mediation posture and hold hands (without caressing, or touching another area), internalise and feel into your body and emotions. Do you feel uplifted and fulfilled, are you grateful to your partner and present in that experience? Or are you still full of thoughts and concerns, are you worrying about what they are thinking, do you feel tired or sore, is your focus predominantly at the level of the genitals?

Follow this awareness with a gratitude practice; gratitude is essential in assimilating properly any beneficial experience, and in fact is arguably a spiritual practice in itself. Give thanks, together with your partner, for all you have shared and received. If you feel the experience was more Erotic than sexual, or contained erotic moments, visions, insights; write these down! It will help fix them in your memory and consciousness.

Who’s in Charge?

These disturbances, and many others in our lives, will stop when we are able to live more in the present moment. This requires gaining some control over the mind.

Some people get scared by the idea of controlling the mind. Focus does not mean the death of the mind but reinstating its proper purpose, as control gives orientation. So that you start controlling the mind, instead of it controlling you.