Let’s start by dispelling some myths.

A Tantric lover does not have countless one-night stands, he does not (necessarily!) have thousands of lovers. Tantric Lovers do not need to have long hair or have spent 10 years living in ashrams in India. He is NOT ONLY an Olympian in bed. A Tantric Lover does not have to have read the Kama Sutra (but it might help!)

A Tantric lover is a conscious lover, somebody who wants to bring the biggest happiness to their Beloved, who aspires for the very highest from themselves and their relationships. A Tantric relationship can never be a banal one. It is constantly driven by an aspiration to transcend limitations and be even more loving in every moment. To learn to love is not something that we should approach in a blasé manner. An education in loving follows the path of the heart, which is a journey that few consciously decide to take.

So why is the Tantric Journey so rarely assumed properly?

For many the idea of going deeper is a scary one. We spend our whole lives looking for love and when it comes, we often run away. It seems a strange reaction and yet it’s very common. Love is scary because it transforms. We choose to stay on the surface because becoming more profound can shake the earth beneath our feet and break our very foundations, when they are not rooted in authenticity. Transformation is not a game for the faint-hearted. It’s a path for the warrior in all of us.

Taking the easy route might take us a few stops further along the way but it probably won’t take us to the top of the mountain.

The Greatest Happiness

The first step in becoming a Tantric Lover is to aspire to be a Lover of Love. This means wanting wholeheartedly to put our lover’s happiness first and to be a fountain of love in the relationship. Whether its in bed, in the wonderful gifts we offer, or the time we share in the name of love, all are expressions from the heart.

This can be through discovering the language in which our lover feels love. Perhaps they adore to be caressed, or spoken words of love, we know by being very attentive to what makes our Beloved’s heart burst with happiness.

Practising Amorous Erotic Continence

Making love full of adoration and with a perfect control is essential when we engage our erotic energies. Its no longer called sex, but it truly becomes ‘love making’ because the whole amorous practice is a sacred one, as we consciously move the energies and expand our consciousness into ecstasy, creating true love. With a perfect control of erotic energies, men avoid ejaculation, with the bonus of discovering the bliss of multiple orgasms, together with their Beloved.

With the practise of amorous erotic continence comes multiple effects. It opens our heart and helps us love even more. It amplifies virility (both masculine and feminine). Through sublimation of the huge creative energy to other parts of the being, it amplifies our mental clarity, force and intelligence. Most importantly, it connects us both to our lover and to higher spiritual realities. The true goal of Yoga is self-realisation and Tantra Yoga is not outside this, helping us discover our Ultimate Divine nature.

Controlling the sexual energies

This usually requires some training. A good place to start is locating, separating and perfecting all the different contractions in the perineal area.

An initial Tantric training can be Ashwini Mudra (the contraction of the muscles around the anus). This is a good exercise for helping to control the sexual energies and raising them up. Once this is mastered, we can start also to practise fractionated urination. This involves breaking up each urination to component parts using contractions (ideally 70 parts when  a certain level of expertise is reached). One can also learn to isolate and strengthen the Pubococcygeal muscle. Acting in this way, it’s possible to develop control over the muscles in these areas which helps guide energies, resulting in a much greater ease in moving them in an ascending direction in lovemaking.

What also helps in learning to control erotic energies is to have a spiritual practice which works with the energies daily. The practise of Hatha Yoga, Tai Chi and others from the Taoist path bring amazing results.

An exercise from the Taoist Tradition

Here is a classic exercise from The Taoist Tradition to develop control of the erotic energies whilst in lovemaking. The man performs 3 superficial thrusts followed by a deep one. The area just inside the vagina (Yoni in Sanskrit) is very sensitive. It would normally be met by the 1st 5cm of the man’s penis (Lingam in Sanskrit).

If the man penetrates his lover deeper than this, then the woman will contract her Yoni muscles, making it harder for the man not to ejaculate. For the beginners of practising sexual continence, this exercise is ideal because it is much easier to control the energies. Once 3 superficial thrusts are mastered, then we can move onto 6 superficial thrusts and 1 deep one and then later 9 superficial thrusts, building until we reach 81 thrusts and 9 deep thrusts.

Become a Divine Lover

These techniques are just a few examples of how we can master this immense energy in lovemaking. Tantra is a vast field of knowledge to help us approach this effectively, so we can become not just a good lover, not only an Olympian in bed, but also a Divine Lover.